So I just discovered the name of this gross feeling I've been experiencing during breastfeeding, or rather during my let down. It's called Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex. When my milk lets down while I'm nursing or at other times during the day, I get this really nasty feeling... utter self disgust... all my thoughts feel tremendously low and negative all the sudden, and I just feel revolting. Apparently this is a fairly newly discovered syndrome, and people are still trying to figure out exactly what causes it and what helps... It's been shown that a sudden drop in dopamine has something to do with it, but they still don't know why it happens. It isn't PPD, although I thought it could be. I feel fantastic and very level headed all the time, except when my milk lets down... D-MER is very different than PPD, so my research has shown me. It usually disappears as suddenly as it comes on...
I've experienced an almost identical feeling to D-MER before I even got pregnant. When engaged in any sexual activity, unless I was feeling 100% confident and unashamed of my body, I would have to suppress that feeling of filth and shame in order to not shut down and stop in my tracks. It had nothing to do with the person, because it happened with everyone I've ever been with, including myself... I believe it may have originated from my past beliefs that it was a sin to be sexual, before marriage anyway. When I first discovered my sexuality, I kept telling myself it was shameful and wrong, and yet I kept exploring it. Eventually I ditched the belief that I was a sinner because of my human sexual urges, but apparently part of me still clings to it, as I Still feel that way many years later, from time to time.
Those of you who know what I'm talking about I'm sure, Really know what I'm talking about. It can pull you Right down into the pit of your stomach and smother you. It's a challenge sometimes to not let it overtake you. Breastfeeding isn't always warm fuzzy feelings and cozy bonding time, in fact, it's usually pretty normal and sometimes a little boring. I know it may sound to those of you who've never breastfed that I'm putting a downer on the whole experience, when I should instead be advocating the good things, so that people don't get scared away, or get the "wrong" idea. The truth is, breastfeeding can be a rather uncomfortable and even painful affair at times, but I'm 100% sure that if I gave it up now and switched to formula, I would deeply regret abandoning the miracle milk that my body so readily provides. I don't know what formula feeding is like, so I can't really say anything one way or another about the emotional or physical experience, but I can say that I would deeply miss putting my sweet baby to the breast for physical, psychological and spiritual nourishment. As every day and normal as it is to me now, I'm certain in a few years I'll look back on this time with warm feelings and longing, despite some yucky feelings along the way (which motherhood is full of btw, it's impossible to avoid! ;D).
I try to make sure that during a few feedings each day I really connect with my baby and acknowledge the beauty of breastfeeding, because it is precious. I try to look my bad feelings in the eye and stand my ground, to see them for what they are... thoughts. And I know I am not my thoughts, I just have them, and that's okay. I don't know where they come from, and maybe I never will. It may just be one of those things that I will have to embrace and push through, just like all of life's challenges. I'm sure that this too shall pass. It doesn't for one second make me reconsider my choice to breastfeed, but even if it did which it probably does for some people, that's OK. Talk about it, write about it, get some support, whatever that looks like for you.
I hope more research is published on this subject and how to prevent it, but for now I'll just stay calm and stay hydrated (for some reason whenever I experience D-MER I crave water, lots of it!). Reading books on the practice of Zen seems to help most of the time :) If you're experiencing this too I wish you the best of luck and I implore you to comment and share your story, plus any information you have about it. I believe it's more common than people think and it's a good thing to know you are not alone.
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